Today I give up wrestling with the God of the Universe

I learned a lot of things growing up in a Christian home – you know, the basics: certain words are naughty, God loves a cheerful giver, you shouldn’t hit your sister (or brother) just because they hit you. What everyone failed to mention, however, was that when I chose to let Christ have control of my life, I might not like it. Who I have become on this journey, is NOT the person I wanted to be when I grew up.

In church there is always a lot of talk about letting Christ change you into who HE wants you to be, created you to be. I thought I was doing that. I thought I was making good life decisions and being nice to difficult people and staying away from ‘non-Christian’ stuff because God was helping me do what was right.

Who I have become on this journey, is NOT the person I wanted to be when I grew up.

For years he tried to show me that I had it all wrong. I wasn’t who he wanted me to be, I was who I wanted to be – doing what I wanted to do. I liked myself. I lived the saying, ‘I will do my best and let God take care of the rest.’ And I thought my best was pretty good. I thought I had it all pretty well figured out and, what I did struggle with, were just things he would deal with in time. His time. Deal with them MY way. I was patient. It’s easy to be patient when you know the plan – because you created it.

But God wasn’t onboard for that.

He tried to tell me. Nicely. He tried to show me. Gently.

But I ignored him. There’s no amount of warning from anybody that can convince you that THAT is a bad idea. I think it is just something you have to experience yourself.  (But, just in case, DON’T DO IT!)

I don’t have all of the answers, anymore. I’m 35 and I really don’t know who I am. But I’m holding on to Proverbs 3:5-8 ESV,

“Trust in the Lord with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding.

In all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make straight your paths.

Be not wise in your own eyes; fear the Lord and turn away from evil.

It will be healing to your flesh and refreshment to your bones.”

I desperately NEED healing. But what I need more? To stop trusting my own understanding and trust in Christ. The real one.

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